Coping Strategies for Children During a High-Conflict Divorce in California

As difficult as divorce is for you and your spouse, it’s even more emotionally challenging for your children – who don’t have the maturity, the coping skills, or the experience to understand what’s happening and to recognize that they didn’t cause the problem. In other words, not only do you have to navigate the challenging terrain of a high-conflict divorce, but you also need to find a way to help your children cope.

The good news is that there are important steps you can take to ensure that your children receive the care, attention, love, and guidance they need during this trying time, and an excellent place to start is by consulting with a compassionate Orange County divorce attorneys early in the process.

Establish Common Ground with Your Ex

Yes, you are going through a high-conflict divorce, but this doesn’t have to mean round-the-clock drama. High conflict generally translates to having challenging divorce terms that you’ve reached an impasse regarding. These are matters you can hammer out between yourselves – with the careful guidance of your respective divorce lawyers – when it’s appropriate to do so.

A primary consideration at this point is your children’s overall happiness and well-being, and this is one thing that you and your divorcing spouse are almost certainly on the same page regarding. You both love your children unreservedly and want what’s best for them. If you allow this fact to guide you – even if that simply means limiting your bickering to texts and emails – you’ll be well on your way to turning down the heat on the emotional upheaval your children experience.

Your Children’s Best Interests

If one of the divorce terms that you are warring over is your child custody arrangements, which isn’t at all uncommon in a high-conflict divorce, it’s important to know what the court is looking for when it comes to handing down parenting plans. The State of California is motivated by the children’s best interests, and this generally means spending a significant amount of time with each parent.

In the process of determining the best interests of your children, the court will consider factors like the following:

• Each parent’s ability and commitment to co-parenting effectively with the other.
• Each parent’s ability and commitment to supporting the other’s close and ongoing relationship with the children.
• The emotional ties that have already been formed between the children and each parent.
• Each parent’s ability and commitment to provide the children with the care they need in terms of both their physical health and their emotional well-being.
• How well the children’s current living arrangements are serving their best interests in terms of their home, school, and community.

In other words, if your goal is maximizing your parenting time, now is your opportunity to demonstrate to the court that your children’s best interests are your priority. Even if your divorcing spouse can’t stop cranking up the conflict, this is a good time for you to take the high road. It’s the right thing to do for your children, and it can help you secure more favorable child custody arrangements.

Helping Your Children Process Their Emotions

Springing divorce on your children out of the blue is a terrible idea, but the thought of sitting them down and explaining what’s happening is likely a frightening prospect. Tips from professionals in the field can help immensely.

Join Forces with Your Divorcing Spouse When You Tell Your Kids

If at all possible, join forces with your divorcing spouse by coming together to tell your children about your divorce. The fact that your case is particularly adversarial, however, can make this exceptionally challenging. Ultimately, if being in one another’s company is simply out of the question, you’ll need to proceed on your own.

Tell Your Children When They Are Together

Instead of telling your children about your divorce one at a time, tell them when they’re together – using language they can all understand. For young children, this means explaining what divorce is – as well as describing what it’s going to mean for your family. You can always follow up with your children separately if they want or need more information.

Offer Your Children Assurances

Assure your children that – despite the conflict between you and their other parent – you’re on the same team when it comes to them. Then, do everything you can to show them this is true. Even if your divorcing spouse isn’t ready to back you up on this one, you can take it upon yourself not to bad mouth your soon-to-be ex in your children’s presence, not to put your kids in the middle, to support your children’s relationship with their other parent, and to convince your children that they are in no way to blame for the divorce.

Your children don’t have the capacity to comprehend the details of divorce, and they shouldn’t have to shoulder adult issues. This is why it’s a good idea not to address financial matters. You should, however, answer all your children’s questions as clearly as you can – while limiting your responses to the information they need.

Remain Aware of Your Children’s Needs

If you notice – over the course of the next few days, weeks, or months – that any of your children are having trouble processing everything they’re going through – don’t hesitate to take action. For example, if one of your children is regressing developmentally, is lashing out, seems anxious, or simply tells you that they’re having a hard time, you shouldn’t ignore the issue. Help in this context can range from spending more time with the child one-on-one to talking through their fears with them or seeking professional help through a school counselor or a therapist in the community.

Discuss Your Concerns with an Experienced Orange County Divorce Lawyer Today

The trusted Orange County divorce attorneys at Minyard Morris appreciate the gravity of your situation if you’re going through a high-conflict divorce that involves children, and we’ve got the experience, compassion, and commitment to help. Learn more by contacting or calling us at 949-724-1111 today.